Starfish were deflating. Polar bears were going bald. Fur seals were raping penguins. A 400-pound tortoise named Benjamin Franklin made an appearance outside a Walmart.
This Week in Wild Animals is a public service for human beings compiled by Jon Mooallem, author of the book Wild Ones.
An orange remote-controlled dog, called FIDO, failed to scare geese away from an amphitheater in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. FIDO was the centerpiece of an elaborate goose-deterrence strategy deployed by the city parks department which, one official explained, would teach geese that the amphitheater was “not a good place to be, because that orange thing will chase us.” However, the official explained, “What we found is, that didn’t really happen.” The city was now considering identifying people who go walking near the amphitheater for exercise and recruiting them to “physically chase [the geese] and run them off.”
Police officers in England hazed 29 pilot whales with a helicopter to keep them from beaching. Virgin Atlantic flew 57 giant chicken frogs from London to Antigua. Law enforcement officers in Michigan assisted a skunk that had gotten its head stuck in a jar. (“It was a skunk in distress,” a police department spokesman explained.)
A Fijian photographer tied himself to the bottom of a stream to photograph hungry ducks.
A black bear in Florida snatched a three-year-old Yorkie named Brody and started carrying the dog up a tree when it was suddenly ambushed by Brody’s owner. “Erica hit the bear two times,” the woman’s fiancé told a reporter. A woman walking her dog in New Hampshire was attacked by a coyote. (“There was something wrong with it,” the woman said, describing the animal.) In Arizona, a woman walking her dog was assaulted by a javelina, and in California, a woman walking her dog was gored by a three-legged wild boar.
Thousands of bats dropped dead from trees in Australia during a heat wave. A family in New Jersey discovered a colony of bats living in their son’s bedroom and set up a webcam to share their bats with the world. In China, a panda was attacked by a pack of martens and needed more than 100 stitches.
Officials in Washington state were arguing about who was responsible for the recovery and disposal of a humpback whale carcass, projected to cost $188,000. The whale had been floating close to shore for several weeks; earlier, a man had jumped into the water to “surf the whale” on a dare, even as several sharks busily picked the animal apart. (He subsequently conceded this was a “bad idea.”) A state fisheries employee insisted that, regardless of whatever one local mayor believed, the dead whale wasn’t his agency’s problem because whales are mammals, not fish.
A British zoo director was found guilty of allowing a flock of ibises to escape, then shooting them. A zoo keeper in India was arrested in connection with the disappearance of eight gecko lizards. “More arrests are likely to be made,” police said.
Montana celebrated one year of legalized roadkill-eating. (“It’s really exceeded my expectations,” one state legislator bragged.) In Nevada, a headless deer laying on the side of the road was creeping out commuters, and traffic in Venice, Florida “screeched to a halt” when drivers stopped to watch an “epic mid-air battle” between two bald eagles. Ultimately, the tussling eagles fell from the sky together and landed in a muddy ditch. In Virginia, a Cooper’s hawk flew into a Michael’s craft store where it killed and ate a songbird.
A baby baboon snuggled with a teddy bear. Vladimir Putin snuggled with a koala. Prince William promoted an Angry Birds tournament to “raise awareness” about the plight of the endangered pangolin. A squirrel made a movie with a GoPro.
A belligerent three-legged alligator was stealing fish from fishermen in Florida. The proprietor of a Santa Monica sushi bar, known for its “its unique and exotic blend of seafood medley” plead guilty to serving his customers whale.
Fans spotted a crocodile walking around the sidelines at a rugby game in Papau New Guinea; the league CEO explained that the animal was “probably was there as a promotional stunt,” but couldn’t say for sure. A Cuban couple was domesticating a species of toothy rodent called the hutia, and reported the animals enjoy crackers, coffee and rum. A New York state senator was asked to judge a moose-calling contest, despite knowing very little about moose, and the US federal government put out another open call for nominations for its Wild Horse and Burro Advisory Board.
In New Jersey, a deer leapt through a glass window into an Estonian church in the middle of the night, then ran through the church’s office, splattering blood and scattering books and paperwork. Eventually, the animal leapt back through the window and disappeared. Reflecting on the incident, the church’s pastor said, “It’s mysterious and difficult to relate to, actually.”
A venomous snake appeared on a woman’s doorstep in Georgia, then—after she’d spotted it and called a pest control professional—bit itself in the neck, in an apparent act of suicide.
